


Oh Maker She Has a Knife

by schubox4



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: DA Bad Smut Bonanza, F/F, F/M, I am very sorry, M/M, Multi, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-21
Updated: 2016-08-21
Packaged: 2018-08-10 04:44:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7830787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/schubox4/pseuds/schubox4
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Carver gets more than he bargained for in this poorly written but still explicitly sexual piece, prepared for the tumblr "DA Bad Smut Bonanza".</p>
            </blockquote>





	Oh Maker She Has a Knife

“Okay fine, but what's the knife for?” said Carver. He was starting to regret the tight leather thong, which provided inadequate coverage to his genitals and also rode up uncomfortably into his ass crack. He would have readjusted it but his bound hands prevented him. He had asked the elf girl to readjust it but she kept tauntingly refusing to. Rude. Sexy but rude. Mostly rude though.

Merrill wasn't paying attention. Instead she focused on sharpening a large dagger with a whetstone, slowly rasping the stone over the oversized blade. “I saw some birds earlier,” she said dreamily. “They ate my cornflakes.” She tested the edge with her thumb, drawing a few drops of scarlet blood.

“That's great, whatever cornflakes are, but really Merrill I thought we would just . . . oh Maker, is that an enchantment, I'm not good with runes which one is that . . .”

“Flew right in and opened the cupboard! Guess I'll have to buy some more. Varric usually sends me some. Maybe I'll ask him.” Merrill stood up and advanced on the bed, menacingly. The blade waggled around vaguely in her hand.

Carver's anus tightened on instinct, and he struggled against his bonds, sweat pouring down his bulging youthful muscles. He didn't catch a glimpse of himself in the enchanted mirror next to the bed because of its magic properties, but he pretended he did and had a sudden moment of unaccustomed introspection. He realized two fundamental things about himself: he was super buff and (probably) looked sexy as fuck, and he also was more turned on than he had ever been in his life despite being terrified. He had no idea what the elven blood mage was about to do to him with that dagger, but he suddenly wanted to find out.

But the fiery desire juices which crept through his loins to his throbbing, enormous, weirdly muscular, but restrained cock were left unfulfilled as Merrill leaned down and whispered under the bed, “Excuse me Mr. Tethras, but could you send me more of those cornflakes next week?”

There was a cough. Then, sounding slightly embarrassed, “Daisy, you're supposed to pretend I'm not here. Also there's no such thing as cornflakes, I keep telling you.”

“Then how did you get them?” Merrill asked wonderingly.

“Sorry to interrupt,” Carver broke in, irritated. His irritation, as usual, only fueled his libido and his penis twitched repeatedly in a vain attempt to escape its prison. “But why is Varric under the bed?”

“You'll be famous!” said Merrill, smiling with innocent sweetness. “I thought you'd like it!”

“Long story short, kid, this is going into my next book,” said the dwarven warrior under the bed. “So shut up and let me take notes. Actually I can't see you, so scratch that. Speak up as much as possible.”

“You're taking notes!?” Carver said, horrified. As usual, his horror only fueled his libido further and his penis grew still larger. On the plus side it was now large and prehensile enough to tug down the leather thong, alleviating the restrictive pressure. It stood free, as thick and long as a women's forearm, if that woman had relatively short arms.

Merrill gasped. “Oh my!” she said. “Those birds are back!” She ran to the window and smacked it with her hand, leaving bloody thumbprints. “Get out of here birds! Varric said cornflakes aren't even real.”

“I keep telling you, I'm not a bird,” said a voice, and slim elven man with silver hair slipped through the wall. “Much less multiple birds.”

“Huh, it's weird that I didn't mention Fenris's name when I was narrating that,” Varric muttered under the bed. “It's like I don't expect the reader to immediately know who it is, which is ridiculous.”

“People like to be teased,” said Fenris. He eyed Carver's wobbling dick and its glans that was the shade of an eggplant that was redder than eggplants typically are, but with a fairly similar texture. “Some people really like it.” 

“Fenris, why can't you just use my door?” Merrill asked.

He shrugged his wiry shoulders and ran his fingers through his hair. “I hate relying on doors. When I was a slave, locked doors stood between me and freedom. Literal ones and metaphorical ones too.”

“But my door isn't locked . . .”

“Aaaaaarrrrghh,” said Carver. “Would someone pay attention to me, please?” This was starting to remind him of game night with his family – everyone spending all their time fawning over Garrett, while Carver was tied up somewhere, usually naked.

Merrill gave a small “oh!” of surprise, then advanced again with the knife. She waggled it dramatically. The Rune of Lightning affixed to its handle sent sparks and miniature lightning bolts arcing down the blade. 

Carver's cock stopped wobbling and stood as straight as a pine tree. He almost shook with anticipation. In battle he had been electrocuted many times, sometimes by Garrett “on accident”, and it mostly just hurt and made him ashamed at his involuntary ejaculation, but in this moment he coveted those sparks. He wanted them to race through his body, from his brain to his heart to his phallus. He wanted his limbs to jerk and twitch, his hair to smoke and catch fire, his breath to stop, if only for an instant.

The dagger swept back and forth, an inch from his nose. “Um, you've been a naughty boy, Carver Hawke,” Merrill said dreamily. “Very very naughty. Very bad. You are often very rude and grumpy.”

“He is a bit of an asshole,” said Fenris. Carver strained his neck to look over at the elf, and was shocked to see Fenris had his dick out, a modestly sized member that suited his slender frame, laced with veins of pure lyrium that sparkled in the dim candlelight. Fenris stroked it almost absentmindedly. “I think you should turn him over, Merrill.”

“Fenris, he's MINE! He told me he wanted to come back to my place and do whatever I wanted. I had to ask Varric and Isabella what he meant, but when I realized it was about sex I got really excited to try some new things out!”

“That's true, actually,” said Varric. “She insisted I come along and document everything.”

“I'm not sure he's into your . . . weird blood stuff, or whatever, Merrill.” Fenris continued to stroke his cock, with a slow delicate deftness unexpected from an elf that was used to handling such large swords.

“To be honest with you guys, I think I kinda am,” said Carver. “I mean, look at this erection and everything.” He moved his hips slightly, causing his manhood to sway back and forth. Remembering that it was prehensile he took the opportunity to scratch his ear, which had been bothering him for hours.

“Huh, interesting,” said Fenris. “But how's it so muscular? Never mind, don't answer that.”

“I should point out at this juncture that having an erection or, generally, being aroused doesn't necessarily imply that Carver consents to this activity,” Varric said from beneath the bed. “Just saying, you all carry on as you please.” Merrill paused her knife waggling. 

“No, it's probably okay,” Carver replied after some thought. “I think it's a case of maybe I wasn't super into it at first but now am after being persuaded.”

“Good,” said Merrill. She leaned down and whispered into his ear, her hair tickling his cheek, “Otherwise I'd have to cut your balls off and use them to summon a demon.”

“Daisy!” said Varric. “That was a little much. Even for a hardened novelist.”

“Sorry, got carried away! I didn't mean it,” she put a hand on Carver's bare chest and pushed herself back up, winking at him. 

Fenris seemed to be sizing him up. “I have an idea. Merril, let me get in there.” he reached over.

“No Fenris he's . . . oh, your hand!”

“What's going on out there? I can only see everyone's shins.” 

“Uh, he's – uh, uh oh, um,” Carver stuttered. “His hand's in my abdomen. Oh Maker.”

“Just hold still,” said Fenris, wrist deep in the third best Hawke sibling. Carver could see the faint glow originating from his pelvic area. He could feel the cold brushes of ghostly figuretips against his internal organs. It was mostly horrifying, but a little bit sexy.

With a twist the questing fingertips found a place deep within him, and gave a gentle pressure.

“Wlarrararagghghahrrhahaharhra,” Carver said, trying not to move.

“That's your prostate, in there,” said Fenris triumphantly. “Be glad I found it on my first try.”

The less lovable Hawke brother felt a deep, visceral pleasure and he orgasmed abruptly, spewing a larger than average load in a parabolic arc that originated from his still-erect penis and ended right between his feet, sticky threads of cum slathered over the foot of the bed, some dripping down to the floor. The second and third spurts were only slightly less enthusiastic, splattering on his lower then his upper legs, decreasing in viscosity. “Hwerrrrrrrrghghh!” he grunted as the last drop squeezed out. 

Fenris grinned in satisfaction.

“Oooh, let me get a jar!” said Merril. “It's not blood, but there's still a few things I can do with it.”

“Let me know later, Daisy, and I can add them in at the end,” said Varric. “I'll let you proofread those onomatopoeia, 'cause I'm not too sure about all of them.”

Fenris removed the rest of his clothing – or rather, he glowed and his clothes fell through him and onto the floor. His tattoos went all the way down, like on his penis and everything. Naked, he mounted Carver's limp, bound body, perching his slight frame atop his chest, and started to furiously jerk off his glowing cock, directing the end of it at Carver's face. Merrill meanwhile scraped semen off Carver's legs with her huge knife, the enchanted rune occasionally shocking him when it grazed the skin Carver lay still, waiting for the cleansing blast of hot elf juice to spill over him. Unfortunately instead there was a knock on the door, and a gruff familiar voice that yelled, “City guard! Open up in there!”

“Aw shit, they've come for my stash,” said Merrill. She hurriedly pulled up a board from the floor and placed the semen-filled jar underneath, where it clinked as though against a large number of other glass jars. Then she went to answer the door.

Before she could reach it however the door was unceremoniously kicked in. “Alright, lawbreakers, I'm here to – Fenris? Merrill?” 

“Hi Aveline,” said Merrill.

“Hi Aveline,” said Fenris. He hadn't stopped tugging on his dick, though he conscientiously slowed it down.

“Hi Aveline,” said Varric from under the bed. 

“Hi,” gasped Carver, strapped to the bed.

Aveline's face was a slab of granite. “Hawke said there were criminals operating here.”

“In . . . Merrill's apartment? That's just silly,” said Fenris. He continued slowly stroking his dick just enough to keep it erect.

“It's a good thing he didn't come himself,” said Varric under the bed. “I think that sort of thing is against the rules.”

Aveline's face contorted. “Hawke . . . asked for a favor . . . promised there would be lawbreakers . . . he would never trick me . . . he . . .” She shook her head like a horse trying to dislodge a fly. “Hawke respects me! He would never trick me! You must be criminals disguised as my friends!” She drew her sword and hefted her dead husband's shield. The templar symbol emblazoned on it reminded Carver of the templar training he was missing because he thought there was a chance of Merrill giving him a handjob. They were supposed to ingest their first lyrium today, unlocking powerful and holy antimagic abilities. It was hard to say which experience he would rather be having right now, or which would prove to be more damaging.

Aveline swung her sword at Merrill, but thorny vines sprang from the Dalish mage's feet and swatted it out of her hand. The heavy shield deflected a blast of spirit energy. 

“Now I remember!” said Merrill. Despite the battle she remained as carefree as ever. “It was those templars with the wingy sword armor eating my cornflakes!”

“Told you it wasn't me,” said Fenris, speeding up his jerking. Out of thin air he pulled out a stamina drought and drank it in one huge messy gulp, spilling yellow drops onto Carver's bare chest. Carver felt his dick begin, impossibly, to twitch and harden again; after the force of his ejaculation he had assumed he wouldn't be able to cum again for months.

Aveline rushed forward with her shield and pushed Merrill toward the bed. “Order will be restored!” With her free arm she spun the elf around and bent her over the bed, her torso on Carver's legs. “You will fall!” Aveline began to slap Merrill's ass with gusto. 

“Oh no, don't do that Aveline,” gasped Merrill with concern. “You'll make me horny!”

“Silence, brigand. This is the newly mandated method of punishing identity theft. It's in the handbook and everything. Following rules is very important to me!” Aveline dropped her shield and gripped Merrill's hair in her newly freed hand, using the extra leverage to whack the skinny elf bottom all the harder. “But hearing you yelp like that is making me feel like going . . . extrajudicial.” 

Fenris moaned and arched his back, getting ready to cum into Carver's face. Aveline abandoned her smacking and reached up Merrill's dress. The elf mage moaned and contorted. There were frantic scribbling noises coming from beneath the mattress.

The shattered door creaked open once again.

“Merrill? Are you alright, your door – oh for heaven's sake,” Isabela walked into the room, her dagger out. “Hey, that's where my other knife went. What did I tell you about taking what isn't yours, dear?”

“Oh, uh, uh, sorry, Isabela,” Merrill breathed. “Uhhhhhhgghgg,” she added.

Isabela surveyed the room. “And here I've been trying to organize an orgy for ages. Really, guys? Especially surprised to see you, Aveline.”

Aveline grunted, “Crime! Duty!” Her face was bright red with exertion. Fenris continued jerking but seemed nowhere near completion. Carver struggled against his bonds.

Isabela tut-tutted. Stepping forward she slowly helped Aveline out of her armor, undoing the buckles with deft fingers, placing the pieces gently on the floor, then took her knife to the bonds tying Carver to the bed. The young man started to push himself up despite Fenris still straddling him, but Isabela put a soft restraining hand on his shoulder. He laid back down. 

Isabela removed her loosely-fitting gown and scant undergarments, standing brown and naked in the center of Merrill's shabby apartment. Then she climbed onto the bed, placing her thighs on either side of Carver's face. An intense smell of sandalwood and hibiscus blasted Carver's nose like the breath of a god. 

“Uh, want me to . . .”

“Obviously yes, idiot.”

Carver grumbled, “You really should be clear about your desires and expectations at the outset of an intimate encounter-” but he was cut short by Isabella sitting firmly on his face. Nevertheless he set to work.

Turning to the others the pirate directed Aveline to begin fingering Merrill, more gently this time. She exchange amused glances with Fenris, gave him a quick kiss on the mouth before firmly grasping his glowing member. Fenris in turn reached behind himself to rub Carver's penis gently but powerfully. 

“Varric?” Isabela called. “How much ink do you have left?”

“Hm, let's see. Enough for about ten more pages if I write lightly.”

“That'll have to do,” she smiled at the assembled comrades. “And now let's start from the top, and get it right this time.”

**Author's Note:**

> I only ever played DAII, though people keep trying to get me to play Origins. Regardless I've heard/read a lot about the other games. It's a cool universe - I'm not as motivated to write fanfiction about it as I am with Mass Effect, but there are so many fascinating facets of the society and characters that can stand to be further explored. 
> 
> Not that I do much of that here. I have a tendency to write very, uh, surreal erotica when I try to write erotica, especially when I'm going for humor. Even the serious romance novel I've been working on, on and off, for several years now (not a fanfic, so you won't find it here or anywhere else possibly ever) tends toward a little bit of satire. As for this one there are a few typos here and there I might go through and fix, or maybe not, cause it's supposed to be bad, right?
> 
> That'll be my excuse for now.
> 
> So anyway, thanks to anyone who managed to find this and any of you that made it to the end. It was fun to write! I suggest trying to write similar things yourself!


End file.
